Wild and free.

Don’t cage her. She was born to  fly free, fated to unfurl her wings and skim the winds. To feel the winds gust against her wings, pushing her higher and higher;until she soars among the stars, traipsing from planet to planet, traversing galaxies. Chasing comets, catching the dust of the moon and the stars in her hands and hair. To surf the rings of Saturn, and dance among the sparkling constellations.
Let her be wild.
Let her court the winds, woo the waves, the mountains and valleys and innumerable plateaux kith and kin to her. Let her chase storms, twisting about tornadoes, weaving through whirlpools, gallivanting through gusty gales. Let her laugh and scream, her lungs bubbling with life, peals of joyous, joyous laughter blooming in her throat and making her stomach sore. Let her leap, exploring new vistas everyday, tasting all the beauty one could possible discover. Let her run against the buffeting winds. Let her sing and dance and yell and celebrate and live. Let her hum the tunes of the gurgling brook,the languorous tide lapping onto worn shores, birdsong.
Don’t confine her to just one place. Let her travel from universe to universe, her name known to every creature alive.
Let her be wild and free, like she was born to be.

-Gautami.

Remember.

Remember. Remember the countless memories you shared. The magic of her smile,the cadence of her laughter. Of how she could thrill you, body and soul. How she filled the empty space in you,which you now fill with alcohol.
Remember the way her face would light up whenever she looked at you. A dazzling,disarming beauty that would put the sun to shame.
Remember heavy-lidded eyes, flushed cheeks, tangled locks of hair as her lips curved in a groggy smile,her first smile of the day as she woke up by your side. Stray beams of light dappling her form, making you catch your breath as you realise afresh how exquisitely beautiful she is,with no makeup or fancy clothes on. Remember the moonbeams weaving themselves in her hair, starlight sparkling in her eyes.
Remember holding her close as she buried her head in your chest,feeling your hearts beat in the same tune. How you had vowed to keep her safe,always, how you would keep her from harm. Forever. Except that your ideas of forever did not match.
Remember her every time you look up at the sky and see a shooting star;remember wishing upon one together,hands intertwined, stealing glances at her,all scrunched eyes and softly moving lips. Remember her when you hear her favourite song, how she can no longer bear to hear it anymore.
Remember the disbelieving,desolate look on her face as you took her heart and crumbled it to dust. The tears tangled in her lashes ,sparkling like diamonds. The broken sobs. Remember the way the light in her eyes shattered and disappeared. The irony as you,who had sworn to keep her safe and happy, were the reason she cried herself to sleep. The harbinger of love and happiness, now the instrument of her heartbreak.
Remember how you found the best thing that could ever happen to you, and threw it away in pursuit of something so fleeting that it was gone in the blink of an eye. Remember how you let her go, for something that would never complement and complete you the way she did. Remember the look in her eyes as she turned to look at you,for one last time. Remember the night you saw and discovered what grief looked like.
Remember,as you watch her getting on in life,without you, as you struggle to recover from your own folly. As you flounder,wondering how you will ever recover from your act of self-destruction. Without her. Watch her, and know that you are the reason she never quite had faith in love again,the reason that something that cracked inside of her that night never quite healed again.
And feel the waves of regret wash over you yet again, but there’s nothing you can do.

-Gautami.

The Double-Edged Sword.

Love, that is a panacea to pains incurable. Love, the poison that can cause pain unimaginable;that can break a carefree heart into a million jagged shards.
Love, the drug to rival all others; causing a seemingly impenetrable state of intoxication; a joyous exaltation in its reciprocation. The bliss. The ecstasy. The satiated happiness.
The gravity that pulls you down from soaring heights, leaving you confused, shattered. Wondering if you can ever be whole again.
Love, that makes the world go round. That can stop everything, your heart; even time.
That can make a brightest of people jaded and cynical. That can squash all hopes in its cruelty.
Love, that can make a frigid, barren heart blossom to warmth and feeling again.
That can make you invincible; make you perform Herculean feats with ease. That can make you feel your rawest and most vulnerable.
That can make you more secretive,make you wiser at hiding emotions and sentiments; that can make you expose your soul to someone,pouring it out to their eyes and ears.
That can make the world come alive in a thousand dancing hues and tints,bright and beautiful. That can make the world a sea of dreary, undulating greys.
That ancient, primeval force that drives all of us.
Love, the double-edged sword.

-Gautami.

It’s where my demons hide.

Murky,inky darkness. Shadows that seemed to be made of the same material that the mantle of night is weaved out of. Wave upon wave of undulating black, the ebony in no place giving way to a gentler colour.
The air itself was stifling,suffocating. There was something about this place that blotted out all joy. That smothered all dreams, snuffed out the smallest flicker of hope. No, in a place like this, your own thoughts would turn on you, growing thorns and malicious spikes, driving you to the very brink of insanity; dripping bitter, bitter venom into happy memories; poisoning them, warping them beyond recognition. Torturing you, twisting facts and contorting reality. Distorting it to a version that would suck the air out of your very lungs, leeching the red out of your blood,leaving you disillusioned,disturbed,brittle. Ready to crack and shatter into a million irreparable pieces at the gentlest touch, the slightest breath,the softest whisper.
A place where your deepest fears and insecurities come alive and reign triumphant. Where they hold the reins of control, and use them against you ruthlessly,mercilessly. Where you writhe in submission,for fighting is futile. Where you lie powerless, broken, grovelling at their feet, begging, begging for some respite.
For relief as you battle your demons. As they conquer you, crowing in exultation over your broken spirit, your piteous whimpers music to their warped minds. Trampling on your will, crushing it underfoot.
Another battle lost in a lopsided war with a predetermined winner. It would be so much easier to surrender, to throw in the towel, but you are not given that luxury. No, you must get up to fight another day, even if your flesh is falling to pieces, your bones beginning to resemble dust, clinging to the last vestiges of your spirit. You must dance to the twisted tune of a higher power, one to whom you are but a marionette to control and toy with and eventually, throw away. Dance, dance on till your feet bleed dry, till your breath claws in your parched throat, your lungs fit to burst, to that endless tune, played on and on by one who relishes your pain, your suffering.
And no light awaits you at the end of the tunnel, just more darkness and despair, as you run face-first into yet another dead end. As you plummet from the brief high of false hope; and the black vortex sucks you in, yet again, its dark fingers wrapping,curling around you in sickening familiarity.

-Gautami.

She.

She was gleaming stardust and concentrated moonshine, with a magic and celestial, ethereal beauty that no constellation in any galaxy could ever rival.
She was dancing sunbeams, skirting and skimming the foam-tipped waves, glinting off the virgin snow on the highest peaks, weaving rainbows out of threads of light and rain.
She was the colours of the universe, dark and light,dull and bright, combined.

She was the first rays of sunshine breaking through the clouds after a storm. The first drops of rain on the earth’s parched lips. The message in a bottle to a marooned, shipwrecked soul. A cool breeze on sweaty skin. The flickering light dispelling darkness. The first cry of a newborn.
She was the spring breeze, bringing tidings of butterflies, blossoms, life and laughter.
She was Hope, throbbing in tandem to the tattoo of his beating heart.

She was the relentless crash of the ocean in a storm. The whirling winds that could sweep off everything in their path. The primeval rumble and roar of the ground that heralded an earthquake.
She was the churning, swirling sands in a desert storm. The heart of a fire, the source of the leaping tongues of flame.
The lightning that cleaved the sky,crackling with electricity and power. The riptide that would snatch at your feet, catching you unawares.
She was Power and Passion, all burning red and scarlet.

She was the murky, unexplored depths of the sea, brimming and bursting with potential. The nebula. The mist that shrouded everyone’s vision.
The delicious mystery of the night, of the darkness that hid thousands of secrets under its cloak.
The riddle that noone could ever quite solve.
She was the enigma.

Gautami.

Pulchritudo in omnibus.

There is so much beauty in nature,if only we stopped to notice it,absorb it with our five senses.
The wind making even vast waves dance to its ever-changing tune.
The dew clinging to the finely-spun gossamer of spiderwebs,like diamonds on lace.
The mist falling on the world like a bridal veil,silently beautifying the world into a delicious semi-ambiguity.
The hesitant flapping of a bird’s wings on its first flight.
The molten gold, ripe,rich reds, oranges and all the in-between hues of the splendid sunrise.
The coral pinks,lavenders,indigos of the evening deepening into the deep,dark,star-studded night.
The smell of fresh cut grass, crushed mint,blooming roses.
The sound of waves crashing on the sand, moaning some eternal, secret sorrow.
The velveteen touch of flower petals.
Sunlight filtering through the tangles of branches, dappling the ground with dancing lights and shadow.
Beauty even in the thorny cactus, the swirling sands of the desert, the gusting, freezing winds in the polars.
In the tumultuous, writhing waves of the sea in a storm.
The howling winds in a gale.
In the sheer power of mountains.
Beauty in the vast plethora of colours, sounds, textures, landscapes. In the countless species, all so different, each unique in its own way. In the multitudes of breathtaking beaches, picturesque landscapes, pristine forests and virgin lands; in its conventionally and unconventionally beautiful parts; Nature truly trumps all.
Pulchritudo in omnibus. Beauty in everything.

Gautami.

Strangers

Hello,Stranger.
With your pretty wife and your white striped shirt.

What do you know of me ?
Do you know I sleep in a mound of soft blankets, pillow and rumpled curls a-tangle? Do you know I like coffee more than I should and that I have my most amusing conversations with myself? Do you know of my obsession with rereading books,even the murder mysteries? Do you know who I love?

Because,once upon a time,stranger,you weren’t.
You were the voice I welcomed the melting azure of dawn with. You lit my blood up- warm like the hearth,hot like a blaze. You were my most amusing conversation. The one I ran to with a problem,a solution,an inspiration. The one who knew the intricacies of each day of mine.

Now we’ve both long moved on,our paths have diverged completely- each blissfully unaware of the other. Maybe I’m just a blur, that rushes back after a drink too many or nostalgia sparked by an old photograph. A twinge, but momentary.

I thought that I’d be that woman on your arm.
But now you’re just a stranger.
My stranger.

Nayantara

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