Stay/Leave

​Do I walk, do I run?

Do I gallop with the wind,

Feel it tangle in my hair?

Feel the dirt between flying feet,

Feel the gravel cut tiny nicks 

Into ready skin? 

Feel like the waves, untamed, not held

Back by anything but my own

Wild, wayward will?
(But will you keep up with me?)



Do I saunter, do I dawdle?

Do I stroll leisurely along quiet paths,

Feel a lazy breeze keep pace with calm breaths,

Feel the lingering serenity 

Of starry nights and moonlit skies?

Feel dewdrops cling

To parched skin; silken blades,

Tangling between my toes.

Feel the safety of a canopy 

Of a thousand twinkling lights, 

Guiding me home?
(But will you leave me behind?)



Do I whirl into your world,

With thunder and lightning

Crackling across dark skies 

All noise and quicksilver,

With howling wind and restless rain

Beating relentlessly against

Misted window-panes?

Or do I traipse in,

With the quiet drizzle in the night

Gentle showers and soft breezes,

All damp coolness and moist earth

Crystal drops clinging to

Emerald leaves and gossamer webs?
(Will you welcome me in?)



Do I linger, do I wait,

Like the bitterness of coffee

That stays on scalded tongues,

Like the last bit of yellow light

That stains a sunset,

Refusing to let the dark 

Steal it away?

Or do I flit away,

Like the brief, but magical

Dusks and twilights,

All blushing hues and shy tints

Creeping across the sky’s canvas

Dancing with hesitant feet

Before melting into the light

Or the black of the night? 
Do I dance with leaping flame,

Beautiful, dangerous, destructive;

Or burn with mellow candles,

Soft, golden, keeping silent vigil

Through the darkest of nights?

Do I stay, waiting for you,

Like the shadow by your side

Patient, uncomplaining,

Seldom noticed, never appreciated;

Or do I slip away,

Rushing tide swirling away,

Slipping between your toes,

Kissing you goodbye?

(Will you miss me if I’m gone?)


Gautami. 

Caring is not an advantage.

​What does your mind do when it has nothing to do?

Does it run in little circles like mine, hopping from one topic to the next in the most bizarre fashion?

I sit sometimes and wonder at how alone we are. We have friends and family but essentially all we have pulling us along is this flimsy body powered by an erratic soul.

It’s a stark feeling, this loneliness. It taps into our darkest fears. Or at least, mine.

It’s a defence mechanism.

It’s a fear of rejection.

I’ve found that whenever I’ve given, I’ve got none. Whenever I’ve loved, I’ve fallen. Whenever I’ve cracked the tough outer shell, I’ve regretted it instantly.

Ours is a generation which cannot love. Where you cannot be soft. There’s no place for sensitivity. You’ll be eaten alive.

You have to seal yourself in a veneer of detachment. Because attachment is a weakness. Bare your soul and you’re a sucker.

So you go through the motions of everyday life, and no one really knows the real you. They know the vision you present, that carefully crafted veneer. 

I want to know people. What they really think, what circles their minds run in when left alone.

Oh, but that fear of rejection.

And so we plod on. Unloved, except by those who have to love us anyway. 

Lonely machines fuelled by nothing but the desire to be loved.

-Nayantara.

The day I let you go.

You dial his number

But don’t press call

You rode the highs,

So you must fall

Further than you have before



You see his name and feel it form

On reluctant lips

The ghosts of the past still linger

In the feel of him on your fingertips;

A million memories in store.



You see his face and can see

Seconds, minutes, days together

Tangling into a messy little infinity.

Time ticks by, days melting together

Someday you will learn to let it be



Your story began, it came to an end

A thousand different lifetimes did you spend

But darling, there will always be another bend

In the road.



And one day you will wake

On a morning like any other

You’ll see him and it won’t take

Your breath away

Or make your heart flutter

Before it breaks



You’ll see him and smile

And it won’t ache somewhere within

You’ll realise that after a while

It is not a sin

To let go.

-Gautami.